Coffee with Jessica Zweiman

It's Been 20 Years!

Ah, Jessica Zweiman. Jess Zweiman was the petite, platform mouse stomper boot wearing, rebel Jewish goddess of my dreams in college. I didn’t even know I’d dreamed of her, but there she was in all her glory as a member of the West Virginia University Theatre Department class of 1999. It is absolutely insane to me that it has been almost 20 years since we graduated. We both turned 40 recently. How in the hell did that happen?

Mouse Stompin' Jess

Jess at First Glance: The College Years

My first remembrance of Jess is seeing her across a dark acting studio in the bowels of the CAC (short for Creative Arts Center, a building which resembled a giant toilet), looking fierce, probably lounging on a classmate, and intensely favoring Kirstie Alley. It was her eyes. They held some type of wisdom, and wit, and just straight up fierceness. When I found out she was from New York, I thought well damn, there you go. She looked like she had her shit together. In hindsight, of course, no one in the theatre department had their shit together, but if anyone had the right persona to pull off the effect, it was Jess.

There was a determination and grit to this incredibly talented, social justice minded badass young woman and all I wanted to do was follow her around and soak up some of it.  I held Jessica in the highest respect, and if there was space for me in one of her projects, I wanted in.

The plays she produced were heavy hitters; plays about sexuality, AIDS, plays about trauma and tragedy, plays about social justice, plays that made every person who was a part of their production or who witnessed them a better person. God, that was 20 years ago, and we still have to stand up to and for all of the things those plays addressed.

A few college kids hanging in Chicago

Adulting (he he, my partner hates that word)

After college, Jess and I drifted apart. We were not besties, and there is nothing dramatic about our losing touch. It was just a matter of matriculation off into our own versions of making something of ourselves. She went back to New York, and I back to DC and that was that for a time. We reconnected briefly when she moved out to L.A. and I came to visit her and our mutual friend, Dave, another WVU classmate.

Eventually, we all ended up back on the East Coast and I’d hear about Jess from time to time from Dave. When Facebook came about, we were able to at least “see” more of each other. But even prior to the prevalence of social media, something happened that I believe brought us together in spirit. It is what compelled me for some reason to reconnect with and write about her first. Maybe because I’d been missing my dad a bit lately (I totally blame This Is Us). We both lost our fathers within two years of each other in 2010 and 2012. I found out about Jess’ father through Dave and then was able to connect with her via email. I think we were able to comfort each other in some small way in at least the shared experience.

A Shared Grief

My father’s passing was a dark time for me that was at once overshadowed and brightened with the faint glimmer of hope in my son, Parker, who I was pregnant with at the time. I had recently reconciled with my now ex-husband after a brief separation and was carrying our second kid. I had the worst morning sickness, and my diabetic, nearly blind father was dying of lung cancer. My father had been an overbearing and overly generous pillar of strength as the patriarch to a large family of uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings and half-siblings. Watching him die was devastating and lacking in grace, until those very final moments in his hospital bed, where I got to hold his hand and tell him that it was okay to go.

A couple of years after my father’s passing, Jess’ father, David, passed from a very progressive form of Aphasia. Then cruelly two years later, her mother,Anne, passed as well from Ovarian Cancer, which she had been battling for four years. Her parents were incredibly remarkable people who ran marathons, raised three amazing kids, and loved each other fiercely. Their beaming smiles at their pride in Jess lit up the room on the few occasions where I met them at WVU, and I just remember adoring them in our brief encounters.

Jess' parents, Anne and David Zweiman

In the moments of their transitions, Jess recalls, "I too was able to comfort my dad while he took his last breaths and that I do still find solace in knowing that he was at peace when he let go. My dad died as the sun was going down and a huge splash of orange covered his body; like wise my mom died when the sun was rising on an early Saturday morning and covered her body in a bath of yellow & orange as she chose to let go of her life... it felt symbolic and healing. When I miss them the most I often put my face in the sun and close my eyes; feels like they are comforting me."

"I was really grieving after my mom died and a huge splash of sun went across my face- on a gloomy day. Was just what I needed in that moment; felt like I was still being taken care of by them."

Our children will not know those grandparents. For both of us, our eldest children have memories with them, but our youngest will not have met them in this lifetime. Which brings me to my desire to reconnect with Jessica. I wanted to have a little chat about the losses of our parents, our children and what we pass down to them from our parents, and when are those moments when we know our loved ones are communicating with us. Also, it had been just way too long, and I wanted to know what in the world was this incredible person up to now!

 Oh my God, how are youuu?!!!

Our FaceTime Coffee Date!

I set up my “perfect spot” to FaceTime with Jess in front of my office desk on a rare bright and cheery afternoon out of school without my kids and I waited for the call. When she rang in, I started bouncing up and down on my chair. “It’s happening! It’s happening!” I sang with glee. “Hiyeee!” we both chimed as I answered the phone. We giggled, raised our mandatory mugs of coffee in the air and got down to the business of chatting.

“Oh my God, how arree youuu?!!” I’m always super excited to see any one of my friends after a long absence. Getting to realize this little dream of mine with Jess “sitting across from me” was just magical! We had been corresponding via email across two weeks before settling on a date and time to really catch up. Such is the life of the ever busy mama.

Our conversation was punctuated with laughter and profanity. I demanded that she tell me about her boys, grown one included, none of whom I’ve ever met. She met my kids a few years ago on one of our visits to New York, but I have yet to meet her brood. Her partner, Scott, and two kiddos, Jax (6 1/2) , and Elijah (1) make up her adorable family. She dove right in, discussing how much Scott and Jax helped her through the extraordinarily difficult task of watching her parents die and then handling the financial aftermath, being the oldest of their three children in just her early 30s.

Scott and Jess

“Scott and Jackson are my life line. Scott stood by me as both of my parents died. And Jackson, he saved my life. I don’t know how I’m going to tell him that one day.”

When she got to describing the newest member of her clan, Elijah, she described him as pure sunshine. “But like, literally, he is the brightest, sunniest and blondest baby.” She bursts into describing her embarrassment and confusion around where Elijah gets his looks. Scott joked around at his birth about getting a closer look at the milkman. When I meet Elijah on FaceTime an hour or so into our conversation, I see the sunshine, and blonde hair, but I also see very clearly Jess’ features and energy.

The devilishly handsome Jax and Elijah

Raising Our Children

We got into discussing the importance of raising our kids to be socially conscious individuals who live in a not always very diverse suburbia. We agreed that we try to emphasize a need for understanding their privileges and challenges while gradually giving them lessons on the history of oppression and injustice.

We came around to talking about raising children in the absence of her parents and my dad. I also asked what were those things she is sure she is imparting from her parents. Is there a certain amount of wisdom or just bits of parenting style that you know is coming directly from them?

“I think about my parents every single day. My daily regret is I don’t have them to run things by. I mean I have Scott’s mother, who I am very close to, and you know Google and parent’s blogs and such, but it hurts not to have my parents to check in with. They were like the icing on the cake, which to me is the best part! But they made a really good batter with the three of us.” The “us” includes her sister, Dara, and brother, Brett.

I feel a tinge of guilt at this last statement, because I do have my mother to run things by, and yet I don’t most of the time. For me, there is a fear that she will dispense some wisdom that I am not willing to receive. This is, in part, because we do see a lot of things very differently because of our upbringing. But also, I just don’t reach out as often as I probably should. And in just this moment, I realize one of many gifts that will come from this conversation, and that is an appreciation for my mother and the knowledge that I’ll talk to her more as a result of this.

When the Kettle Gets a Little Too Hot

There are many traditions that I know Jess and I both keep that were passed down from our parents, and ways of showing our kids the love, compassion, and generosity of spirit that we were given. We don’t get into the specifics of how we use what we’ve learned from our parents as far as discipline and life lessons, but we do know those specific times when we are acting in ways that demonstrate the more flawed sides of our folks.

Jess reflects,“There are many moments when I know in that moment I have turned into my dad. Moments when I feel my anger and feel that part of my dad- I’m like unh-uh-no, no. My therapist of 10 years says that at least I’m recognizing those moments.”

For us both, it helps to keep us in check about just who our parents were. While we miss them, we can sometimes gloss over their faults. They were human after all, and we can learn from the things about them that didn’t work for us as kids and definitely not for us as parents.

My Daddy Issues

My dad was a hard person to live with. He was loving and generous, but also bull-headed, opinionated, and full of regret and sometimes rage at the hand he felt he was dealt as a black man in this world. Most of that I can look back on and pinpoint the exact root and cause of so much about him that irked me. Regardless, when I feel my own anger or need to control and enforce my agenda spilling out, I try hard to check myself. I am not always successful, but much of the time I end up apologizing. I’m not sure I ever got that from my father.

Still, I find myself working hard to instill my dad’s work ethic and love of music and family in my own children. I most often see my dad in Parker, who in his toddler years I was sure was a direct reincarnation, if not a pointed messenger of my father’s.

My dad and toddler Alana

Dad also made it very difficult for me to trust or be inspired by most men if they were not working as hard or as selflessly as he did, or had their minds fully set on taking care of their families. “So yeah, I’ve got my daddy issues,” I quip. “But he would’ve been a great grandfather to the kids.” He was, in fact, when he was here.

“Yeah”, Jess chimes in, “we do feel that loss and know they would’ve been the best grandparents.”

As Our Coffee Cools: Where Are We Now? 

Time ticks by as we sip our coffee and go deeper in our conversation. But we know we have only a little while before we both have to get back to the next thing on the to do list, the next appointment, task, etc. After commiserating over how following through on consequences is one of the hardest parts about parenting, and deciding that kids and our partners tend to have more respect for us when we do, we veer away from the topic of our parents and parenting and get into our various projects and career paths.

I mention my foray back into writing and professional theatre after my hiatus to become chief breadwinner, wife, mommy, arts administrator, educator, then single mom, then re-partnered mom. All of these things have informed the direction I now feel myself taking. I ask Jess how she transitioned from her career in theatre and film into her new calling as a social worker.

She recently started an online degree program through Rutgers for her master’s in Social Work. She currently holds a BFA from WVU and a MFA from the The Actor’s Studio in New York. She’s worked on a number of films, t.v. shows, festivals, and theatre productions in both New York and LA. After her parents died, she began to embark on quite a different journey than the one she had been trained for. I note that she had to grow up quite a bit, being the eldest child of her parents, and the primary handler of their affairs at the times of their illnesses and deaths. She agrees and says it really brought on a huge shift for her.

After dealing with an incredibly stressful period of decline for her mother and coping with the grief and loss of both parents, she found some healing after working on a show for Showtime that ironically dealt with a person living with cancer. While engaged in the daunting task of moving her parents’ things out of their home in Brooklyn, she came across the love letters they’d sent to each other during their early years together. Once her mother passed, she began working with a writer to compile the letters into a book with the initial intention of publishing their story. After finishing the project, she ended up not publishing it, feeling like the process in itself was what she needed out of it.

Admittedly, I had trouble processing why she wouldn’t have pursued publishing. Why go through all of that not to get the book out there? Then I started reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. Her book about the creative process is speaking to my soul right now. She also talks about that process of creating just for yourself sometimes. This is not news to me, but something I can finally take in. I am almost always inclined to share, to put things out there. Thus this blog! But some things you do just to do.

My kids, Dave, Jess, and Me in New York

Anyway, I Digress

At that point in Jess’ life, she felt like she’d been through enough drama, and had accomplished much of what she’d set out to do in the entertainment industry. But given the current climate of the human condition on the planet, she wanted to get into a field where she could still feel helpful. Yet another quality strongly instilled in her by her parents. Thus her pursuance of her MSW from Rutger’s. “It’s me in my own little world going back to my social justice roots and giving back, representing communities of people and really being conscious.”

I sense a theme. I have had the privilege of meeting and having in my life women who have accomplished much in various career paths, and are now at a moment where building community and helping to heal themselves through helping others is their current path. I am down for the cause.

And here I am, inspired once again by Jess’ grit and her ability to keep moving through her grief, change her scope and focus. It was just so good to talk to this lady again. I’m aching for more convo, more writing, more figuring out this life together. I can’t wait to share more of what I find. Keep you posted.